Almost a week since my last posting, but it feels like a month.
I have just returned from a weekend at my college reunion. And I'm in love.
I'm in love with a boy named Atsu. He's about 3 1/2 feet tall and 100% darling. I can't understand much of what he said (except I learned how to say "Mee-tay" which means look - I taught him how to say "yummy" and "yucky") and I got to relive that special time when boys are four and you can show them small things that make a huge impact and then are just as quickly forgotten. Smiles are quick and when things go wrong, there are tears. Kind of like me.
My college friends are bright and wonderful and successful women. Five years ago I returned from reunion disheartened. I felt I didn't match up to their seemingly-starlit careers and they were taking the world by storm, while I, in stark contrast, was planning Girl Scout meetings. Had I heard of the Board of Ed and the world of Bridgewater educational politics? Who knows. I came home with a sense that my career was in permanent limbo and my self-esteem plummeted.
This weekend I return proud of my (meager) accomplishments. While only about half of my friends have kids, all of them have been in a period of reevaluation in one way or another. Yes, despite of potential insecurities of "what's next?" they all seemed confident and in general contentment with their lives. In our early forties we are all sure of who we are as people and weren't at a reunion to try to prove anything to anyone. In retrospect, I think that five years ago we were still coming to prove something to someone.We returned just for the enjoyment of (re-)acquainting ourselves with who we are today. I return to New Jersey feeling refreshed. You don't have to be top in a professional field to have made it.
Five years ago, the main attention-getter was a film maker who was putting together a documentary. This year the stars were family-focused: a home-schooling Mom who carried her 12-week old (her SIXTH kid!) instead of a attache' case. And my Dad - who at 87 danced to "Wild Thing" - and told his stories to a new audience of listeners. My friend, a professor of Spanish, would like to try something new, but with four kids, she admits that she has a great job for balancing kids and worklife. Another woman finds herself in the same job as five years ago but itching for a switch. One of my "most successful friends" lives in a Miami school district where funding cuts eliminated K-2 specials so parents fill the gaps. She now teachers her kindergartner son's art class. Meaningful, yes, paid, no.
Kids or not, jobs or not, I felt more at home with these friends than ever before.
C and her friend were discussing how people can change. She and her friends' tastes are so different than just a few years ago. She wanted to know if adults can change just as quickly. I don't know if I change that much in a year, but the timing for her question couldn't be more pertinent.
I've changed a lot in the past five years. Although I was always an active volunteer and engaged in my children's lives, I wasn't entrenched in local politics five years ago. I could not have imagined running a half marathon. I felt frustrated by my career life (some days I still do). But I have grown so much in the past few years. I expect more. I want more. I try harder - at least at some things. I see that my life IS built around my general values, and that I am proud of that. I enjoy taking care of my loved ones. It's the whole package that counts. AP has a wonderful life with her husband. DA has a job that meets her need for flexibility, as well as her desire to work for a cause she believes in. RN is a strong and inspiring speaker who challenges us to be our best. AK puts the mirror in front of your face and reminds you to take off the lenses that cloud self-image and see what's there. KT's doing something right - her four year old, Atsu's manners are the best I've ever seen. KT used her lifetime of travel experience to show her young son what the world offers. And so many more examples. I'm proud of my "sisters".
And possibly for the first time I return from reunion, just as proud of myself.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Where did the week go?
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| A mother's day rose? As seen in NYC. |
It's May - and time is flying.
In fact I just opened my blog for the first time in a week to find that strangely no one had written it for me. I have a draft of a blog, but I don't feel like editing it. Right now my mind is spinning
I can't write one blog when my mind is 50 different places. (and if I start editing that unposted blog it will be 10 places more)
Some of them include:
- The turkey dinner that I need to finish cleaning up (or else my Dad will and at 87 he really shouldn't!)
- How my little boy is touring the Middle School tomorrow... when did little N become so big?
- The state of our healthcare (I worked at this today) ...
- The rain - and my open windows
- Did C really walk Diego enough or do I need to take him out in the rain (and now, thunder)
- And all the "next step" questions
- My college reunion is this weekend and I'm happy like a little girl to see my friends
- I need to go and close the windows.
- How I'm afraid I am that the to do list in my head will evaporate before I get to write it all down
I thought I would be dreading going to reunion. All the professional superwomen who are Captains of Industry (or whatever they ended up doing) made me feel so intimidated five years ago. Possibly thanks to Jem - of the Ambivalent Womb blog - I see my life in a completely different light. She's one of the talented sisters that I so admire, but for years she longed for what I had. Now she's a Mom too. Realizing that what I had and what I do matters (and perhaps even makes others envious) makes me feel a higher state or worth. Which is wrong - my worth should come from my own opinion of myself.
Or, maybe it's just the wisdom that comes with being over 40 and not having the excess vanity to care what people think as much.
Either way, I'm heading North on Thursday. North to my friends. North to my peeps. North to Northampton.
I can't wait. This time next week (when perhaps I will be wondering where another week went) it will be all over. I wonder what I'll think then.
Rain's over. Too late to close the windows.
Unfortunately I do need to clean up from dinner. Turkey - easy to roast - but the clean-up's a royal pain.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Tuesday night under the duvet
Tonight's a BOE meeting.
I'm staying home. Without guilt.
I've spent enough hours at BOE meetings to know that lots of people means lots of stress - and all I really want to do is crawl into bed with knitting, a glass of wine and a good TV show.
Be well all you folks who are braving the rain to attend! The Patch is expecting a rumble. But at 6:15pm I'm already very comfortable in my PJs and even such an event isn't tempting me to leave the house!
Tonight, since I'm going to be home - I hope I'll read my kids "Where the Wild Things Are" - and curl up under the covers with my kids instead. Is 11 and 14 too old to be read to?
And now, to paraphrase Mr. Sendak:
BOE and BREA,
Let the wild rumpus start!
I'll be in my bed, eating a snack while it's still warm.
I'm staying home. Without guilt.
I've spent enough hours at BOE meetings to know that lots of people means lots of stress - and all I really want to do is crawl into bed with knitting, a glass of wine and a good TV show.
Be well all you folks who are braving the rain to attend! The Patch is expecting a rumble. But at 6:15pm I'm already very comfortable in my PJs and even such an event isn't tempting me to leave the house!
Tonight, since I'm going to be home - I hope I'll read my kids "Where the Wild Things Are" - and curl up under the covers with my kids instead. Is 11 and 14 too old to be read to?
And now, to paraphrase Mr. Sendak:
BOE and BREA,
Let the wild rumpus start!
I'll be in my bed, eating a snack while it's still warm.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Ambivalent parent
Lately I've been so caught up in my own little life, I haven't thought much about the world around me. After reading Dick Bergeron's blog I'm back to pondering Bridgewater's schools. Dick wondered about morale in the schools. If teacher morale is down it is the students who sense it. Parents, the Superintendent and the BOE don't spend all day in the classrooms. (The Superintendent likely spends a large portion of his week at meetings in schools, but that's not what I mean here).
Today my morale, as a parent, is down.
I am ambivalent.
On the one hand I'm happy with most of my kids' teachers. I want to support them - and, I do. When the kids were in elementary school it came in the form of small gifts (like a book) or dropping food in the teachers lounge. Now that they have so many teachers, I don't show my appreciation in such a tangible way. A few exceptionally great teachers get a letter of recommendation.
On the other hand, last fall I sent an e-mail complaining about a teacher who humiliated my child in front of the rest of the class. I found that this is one of those teachers who has been moved around a bit after multiple complaints lodged against her. Do I really want to support THIS woman getting a raise?
Unfortunately I can't pick and choose which teachers I support - and neither can anyone in a tenured union. The general public resents that teachers have a "job-for-life". If the fantastic teachers who have helped my children grow - even excel - in a subject get support, I would be supporting the one who mocked my kid in front of his peers.
Next week is Teacher Appreciation Week. I've always participated enthusiastically in it. Do teachers realize that this week has nothing to do with their negotiations?
A few days ago I read this letter in the Patch written by a teacher at my child's school. She says:
For the first time in my 13-year career, I find myself actually questioning why I am doing this; this is an awful feeling. I was feeling unappreciated by the government and now also by my employer.
This is exactly what I don't want - teachers who don't want to be there! The BREA/NJEA are emotionalizing the finances. Manipulating public sentiment makes little sense since we can't vote on budgets anymore. If you've been to a BOE meeting, you know that many members of the BOE don't care what people say at the podium anyway!
Most BRRSD children live here because of the schools. Ergo, they appreciate the educational system and its teachers. The point of the union is to negotiate on teachers' behalf. Based on the stalemate both the BREA and the BOE are stubborn mules. If teachers want to feel like their "employer" appreciates them, perhaps the middle of a bitter contract negotiation isn't the right time to seek the warm fuzzies - and Governor Christie's state isn't the right place. There is appreciation - just not from the BOE and Trenton - and not for teachers who don't do right by our children. We, as parents, appreciate teachers and staff who are professional, who teach our children well and who leave the politics outside the classroom. But if you ask around there are more than a few bad eggs... and that breeds mixed feelings, like mine.
Haven't teachers realized how much community support they have???? Don't parents in the district, on the whole, make their jobs easier by following up, being involved and making donations (monetary and financial) when asked (and in the elementary level volunteer in the classrooms)? Ever been to a parking lot on Back to School Night or a musical concert, a basketball game or open house? Sometimes these events require police presence to handle the crowds! The over-flow parking says a lot (no pun intended): teachers work in a very supportive community. Unlike many other districts, parents attend teacher conferences here. Parents want their children to succeed. Some parents make donations behind the scenes to help supply classrooms, the schools libraries, gyms etc.
We have some really fabulous teachers in the district. I will always be grateful for those who have helped my children. I'm sick of the animosity between the BREA and the BOE.
Neither side is acting in the best interest of the children. They are acting more like parents in the middle of a divorce - each saying they are doing what's best for the kids. And as in many conflicts both entities are most interested in saving face and in financial gain.
And everyone knows that "familial strife" hurts the kids most of all.
Today my morale, as a parent, is down.
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| Author visits: usually sponsored by fundraising (ie parents) |
On the other hand, last fall I sent an e-mail complaining about a teacher who humiliated my child in front of the rest of the class. I found that this is one of those teachers who has been moved around a bit after multiple complaints lodged against her. Do I really want to support THIS woman getting a raise?
Unfortunately I can't pick and choose which teachers I support - and neither can anyone in a tenured union. The general public resents that teachers have a "job-for-life". If the fantastic teachers who have helped my children grow - even excel - in a subject get support, I would be supporting the one who mocked my kid in front of his peers.
Next week is Teacher Appreciation Week. I've always participated enthusiastically in it. Do teachers realize that this week has nothing to do with their negotiations?
A few days ago I read this letter in the Patch written by a teacher at my child's school. She says:
For the first time in my 13-year career, I find myself actually questioning why I am doing this; this is an awful feeling. I was feeling unappreciated by the government and now also by my employer.
This is exactly what I don't want - teachers who don't want to be there! The BREA/NJEA are emotionalizing the finances. Manipulating public sentiment makes little sense since we can't vote on budgets anymore. If you've been to a BOE meeting, you know that many members of the BOE don't care what people say at the podium anyway!
Most BRRSD children live here because of the schools. Ergo, they appreciate the educational system and its teachers. The point of the union is to negotiate on teachers' behalf. Based on the stalemate both the BREA and the BOE are stubborn mules. If teachers want to feel like their "employer" appreciates them, perhaps the middle of a bitter contract negotiation isn't the right time to seek the warm fuzzies - and Governor Christie's state isn't the right place. There is appreciation - just not from the BOE and Trenton - and not for teachers who don't do right by our children. We, as parents, appreciate teachers and staff who are professional, who teach our children well and who leave the politics outside the classroom. But if you ask around there are more than a few bad eggs... and that breeds mixed feelings, like mine.
Haven't teachers realized how much community support they have???? Don't parents in the district, on the whole, make their jobs easier by following up, being involved and making donations (monetary and financial) when asked (and in the elementary level volunteer in the classrooms)? Ever been to a parking lot on Back to School Night or a musical concert, a basketball game or open house? Sometimes these events require police presence to handle the crowds! The over-flow parking says a lot (no pun intended): teachers work in a very supportive community. Unlike many other districts, parents attend teacher conferences here. Parents want their children to succeed. Some parents make donations behind the scenes to help supply classrooms, the schools libraries, gyms etc.
We have some really fabulous teachers in the district. I will always be grateful for those who have helped my children. I'm sick of the animosity between the BREA and the BOE.
Neither side is acting in the best interest of the children. They are acting more like parents in the middle of a divorce - each saying they are doing what's best for the kids. And as in many conflicts both entities are most interested in saving face and in financial gain.
And everyone knows that "familial strife" hurts the kids most of all.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Fifty shades of blush
(Warning, if you are used to my school-focused, knitting blogs, this might not be the entry for you.)
A couple of weeks ago I was with a friend at Barnes and Noble. She needed to pick up a book she had ordered. She was so embarrassed about it, that she freaked when we recognized someone. "I hope she didn't see what I bought..." she worried.
Fast forward a few days and I'm at a school event at the same bookstore. My son's school was having a fundraiser and "everyone" was there. An employee asked if we were looking for something in particular. I jokingly said something about how with so many people here, we couldn't get porn (I was kidding) - and she misheard and said, "oh, I have just the book."
And there it was: "Fifty Shades of Grey". Socially acceptable smut. The gateway book to hard-core porn. In a strange way I felt like I was in a bar, everyone was taking a shot, so I took a turn, put the salt on my thumb, lime ready....
...I bought the book (no shots involved). Yes, I paid money for this garbage... and I wasn't alone! Moms were buying it by the armful! SMUT SELLS! (Even at a school fundraiser).
Does every bored Mom in America wants a taste of the action?
... Review (if you are planning to read it, and you don't want me to give anything away, stop here)...
Fifty Shades of Grey echoed the Twilight Series. Both books take place in greater Seattle. Both are sexually inexperienced girls (one graduating high school, the other graduating college), with a Mom who is far away in the South with "yet another husband" and a good, but distant relationship with their Dads. Both protagonists fall in love with cold, dangerous, wealthy, powerful, older men. In fact, both women fall for men who put them in physical danger and the drama focuses on this danger. Both girls have plenty of other boys who are interested, but but both girls choose the "bad guy". While abstinence is the key word in Twilight's books (at least the earlier ones) - their heat is emotional - the opposite is true in Fifty Shades of Grey. This time sharing emotions is risky, but sex is not taboo. I'm sorry, but when was the last time you heard of people who spend 500 pages having hot sex, but the man refuses the woman to touch his skin? Makes no sense to me. And in Twilight if the couple gets too intimate he (a vampire, of course) will be too tempted to resist the urge to suck her blood (which is permissible once they marry???).
As annoying as I found the main characters in Fifty Shades - and predictable - I'm most peeved at myself. Like a good drink, the more I read, the more addicted I became. I couldn't put the stupid book down! And like the same drink, I had a headache in the end. Like a weekend lost to drink - I lost a beautiful weekend reading this garbage. And like the protagonist, Anastasia (even the name reminds me of Bella) who couldn't get enough of the awful guy she was dating - like Edward, Christian Grey is full of secrets - I felt addicted to this trashy book!
I read it in 4 sittings.
Everything about this book bothered me. As I mentioned, I found it to be a sex-driven copy of Twilight. The working class-studious girl lands the rich and powerful man who is completely out of her league, but only has eyes for her. While the men that would suit her better (and who are also all madly in love with her - and there is a Jacob/Jose best friend character) don't make the grade. In the real world these girls would have had a clue. Or am I wrong: Girls don't want nice, decent men? What does that say about these supposedly smart, supposedly independently minded women?
The biggest difference about this book and the Twilight series (well at least the first 3 books in Twilight - although the honeymoon scene also does this) is that it idealizes violence against women. The book basically sells physical violence as sexual pleasure. Idealizing S&M. For others "vanilla sex" (read the book or search the net if you need a definition) is the only way to go. Mr. Grey - the older man, and Anastasia's obsession - spends the entire book convincing her (who until page 10-ish is a virgin) that he should be "smacking" (beating?) her as part of the foreplay. He starts with restraining her with his tie and it all goes downhill from there. I spent the rest of the time wishing she would get away.
So why did this capture my attention so completely when it made me so uncomfortable me at the same time? I feel guilty that I actually read it. It's a piece of fiction... Good Moms aren't supposed to read smut like this! And feminists certainly can't get absorbed in it... so where does that leave me?
I hope that I can take the advice that Anastasia's mom gives her. "Don't over-think it." Enough said. Time to get back to my regular life.
A couple of weeks ago I was with a friend at Barnes and Noble. She needed to pick up a book she had ordered. She was so embarrassed about it, that she freaked when we recognized someone. "I hope she didn't see what I bought..." she worried.
Fast forward a few days and I'm at a school event at the same bookstore. My son's school was having a fundraiser and "everyone" was there. An employee asked if we were looking for something in particular. I jokingly said something about how with so many people here, we couldn't get porn (I was kidding) - and she misheard and said, "oh, I have just the book."
And there it was: "Fifty Shades of Grey". Socially acceptable smut. The gateway book to hard-core porn. In a strange way I felt like I was in a bar, everyone was taking a shot, so I took a turn, put the salt on my thumb, lime ready....
...I bought the book (no shots involved). Yes, I paid money for this garbage... and I wasn't alone! Moms were buying it by the armful! SMUT SELLS! (Even at a school fundraiser).
Does every bored Mom in America wants a taste of the action?
... Review (if you are planning to read it, and you don't want me to give anything away, stop here)...
Fifty Shades of Grey echoed the Twilight Series. Both books take place in greater Seattle. Both are sexually inexperienced girls (one graduating high school, the other graduating college), with a Mom who is far away in the South with "yet another husband" and a good, but distant relationship with their Dads. Both protagonists fall in love with cold, dangerous, wealthy, powerful, older men. In fact, both women fall for men who put them in physical danger and the drama focuses on this danger. Both girls have plenty of other boys who are interested, but but both girls choose the "bad guy". While abstinence is the key word in Twilight's books (at least the earlier ones) - their heat is emotional - the opposite is true in Fifty Shades of Grey. This time sharing emotions is risky, but sex is not taboo. I'm sorry, but when was the last time you heard of people who spend 500 pages having hot sex, but the man refuses the woman to touch his skin? Makes no sense to me. And in Twilight if the couple gets too intimate he (a vampire, of course) will be too tempted to resist the urge to suck her blood (which is permissible once they marry???).
As annoying as I found the main characters in Fifty Shades - and predictable - I'm most peeved at myself. Like a good drink, the more I read, the more addicted I became. I couldn't put the stupid book down! And like the same drink, I had a headache in the end. Like a weekend lost to drink - I lost a beautiful weekend reading this garbage. And like the protagonist, Anastasia (even the name reminds me of Bella) who couldn't get enough of the awful guy she was dating - like Edward, Christian Grey is full of secrets - I felt addicted to this trashy book!
I read it in 4 sittings.
Everything about this book bothered me. As I mentioned, I found it to be a sex-driven copy of Twilight. The working class-studious girl lands the rich and powerful man who is completely out of her league, but only has eyes for her. While the men that would suit her better (and who are also all madly in love with her - and there is a Jacob/Jose best friend character) don't make the grade. In the real world these girls would have had a clue. Or am I wrong: Girls don't want nice, decent men? What does that say about these supposedly smart, supposedly independently minded women?
The biggest difference about this book and the Twilight series (well at least the first 3 books in Twilight - although the honeymoon scene also does this) is that it idealizes violence against women. The book basically sells physical violence as sexual pleasure. Idealizing S&M. For others "vanilla sex" (read the book or search the net if you need a definition) is the only way to go. Mr. Grey - the older man, and Anastasia's obsession - spends the entire book convincing her (who until page 10-ish is a virgin) that he should be "smacking" (beating?) her as part of the foreplay. He starts with restraining her with his tie and it all goes downhill from there. I spent the rest of the time wishing she would get away.
So why did this capture my attention so completely when it made me so uncomfortable me at the same time? I feel guilty that I actually read it. It's a piece of fiction... Good Moms aren't supposed to read smut like this! And feminists certainly can't get absorbed in it... so where does that leave me?
I hope that I can take the advice that Anastasia's mom gives her. "Don't over-think it." Enough said. Time to get back to my regular life.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
My "racing heart"
Tonight I really had a jolt of adrenaline! My son and I were driving home from his usual Wednesday activity and I called the house for something. My daughter said she was going to a concert at his school....
A concert? Tonight? A choral concert??? Yes, yes, yes.
I couldn't believe it. No, no no! I've had this concert on my calendar for tomorrow night for many months. I actually double checked it a couple of weeks ago. Still tomorrow...
Apparently the date was changed (or wrong on the district's calendar) and they sent a note home to parents. They also apparently e-mailed a reminder (which I don't remember seeing - my bad).
So I drove insanely fast the final mile to make it home. N changed his shirt. And I sped to the school, with my husband begging me to slow down....
He got there 20 minutes late for the warm-up, but was 15 minutes early for the actual concert.
Everyone made it to the concert.
Why is my heart still racing as all's well that ends well?
Does this ever happen to you?
A concert? Tonight? A choral concert??? Yes, yes, yes.
I couldn't believe it. No, no no! I've had this concert on my calendar for tomorrow night for many months. I actually double checked it a couple of weeks ago. Still tomorrow...
Apparently the date was changed (or wrong on the district's calendar) and they sent a note home to parents. They also apparently e-mailed a reminder (which I don't remember seeing - my bad).
So I drove insanely fast the final mile to make it home. N changed his shirt. And I sped to the school, with my husband begging me to slow down....
He got there 20 minutes late for the warm-up, but was 15 minutes early for the actual concert.
Everyone made it to the concert.
Why is my heart still racing as all's well that ends well?
Does this ever happen to you?
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Race day
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| 11 miles done, 2 miles left... Somewhere between Piscataway and New Brunswick on Sunday |
But now, despite not meeting these stereotypes, I call myself "a runner"!
(Kelly Clarkson, "Stronger")
But why did I attempt a half marathon at all, if I'm not "a runner"?
All along the path from Busch campus to Livingston, back to Bush and into the main campus past the Campus Center of the College Avenue Campus I worried that my husband and kids could not come to see me finish. Why would they bother to get up early on a Sunday morning, facing traffic, bad parking and rain for me? Should I slow down to give them more time, or should speed up (assuming they wouldn't come, and assuming I could have sped up) so that my friends (who were far ahead) didn't leave without me. If the tables were turned, of course I'd get up to see my husband and kids, but would they do the same for me?
With so much time on my hands to think, I wondered why it was important to me to have my family there at all? Who was I running this for? For them, or me? Who was I trying to impress? Was I vain enough to be thinking about friends on Facebook? Am I that much of a narcissist?
It's easy to say that I'm doing it for me, but the truth is always more complicated. Surely I like that I'm in shape and that now have "bragging rights" that I can run to Somerville and back.
Mile after mile, song after song, I thought about it off and on throughout the race. Then it hit me. With just a few miles left I started to cry with a change of music. Hero came on. It reminded me of those months just after 9/11 and my sense of loss.
("Hero")
I wondered if I'm still trying to get my Mom's attention. Of her four kids I see myself as the least impressive. The least good looking. The meanest. The messiest. Dino was the most popular. Ron was the most talented (arguably still is). Ingrid was the closest to her (she is also talented, just as smart and much prettier than I am). I was the reason Mom "had to marry". I am the most belligerent, the most expensive... and now I'm the least professionally successful, too. In my 40s, I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. My professional clock is ticking.
But she's been dead for more than 10 years. Realizing that I was only doing this for myself my emotions changed and I was crying good tears. Even though I wanted my family there at the finish line, I was doing this for me. Only for me. My whole life seems to be built around doing things for other people. As a child I wanted to impress my parents. Then to gain acceptance - from friends, and later, boyfriends. Like being an exchange student, I was only running for myself.
Just before the finish line, I realized that doing something for your own pride/enjoyment/goal is EXACTLY what any parent wants for their children. My mom would have wanted me to achieve goals I set for myself and attain happiness - in whatever form that comes - through my own hard work.
I did this because *I* wanted to be able to run far. No one pushed me into it. No matter what you, dear reader, may call me. Now I can call myself a runner. My Mom wouldn't have been impressed by my running 2 miles or a hundred. But she would have been happy to know that I set a goal for myself, worked toward it. And gained confidence.
What about my family? Did they come and show their support?
Of course they did. They were cheering for me as I arrived at the finish line. I was so determined to cross it that I didn't see them and so my kids ran into race to hug me.
I'm a runner... because I like running.
(Kelly Clarkson, "Stronger")
But why did I attempt a half marathon at all, if I'm not "a runner"?
All along the path from Busch campus to Livingston, back to Bush and into the main campus past the Campus Center of the College Avenue Campus I worried that my husband and kids could not come to see me finish. Why would they bother to get up early on a Sunday morning, facing traffic, bad parking and rain for me? Should I slow down to give them more time, or should speed up (assuming they wouldn't come, and assuming I could have sped up) so that my friends (who were far ahead) didn't leave without me. If the tables were turned, of course I'd get up to see my husband and kids, but would they do the same for me?
With so much time on my hands to think, I wondered why it was important to me to have my family there at all? Who was I running this for? For them, or me? Who was I trying to impress? Was I vain enough to be thinking about friends on Facebook? Am I that much of a narcissist?
It's easy to say that I'm doing it for me, but the truth is always more complicated. Surely I like that I'm in shape and that now have "bragging rights" that I can run to Somerville and back.
Mile after mile, song after song, I thought about it off and on throughout the race. Then it hit me. With just a few miles left I started to cry with a change of music. Hero came on. It reminded me of those months just after 9/11 and my sense of loss.
("Hero")
I wondered if I'm still trying to get my Mom's attention. Of her four kids I see myself as the least impressive. The least good looking. The meanest. The messiest. Dino was the most popular. Ron was the most talented (arguably still is). Ingrid was the closest to her (she is also talented, just as smart and much prettier than I am). I was the reason Mom "had to marry". I am the most belligerent, the most expensive... and now I'm the least professionally successful, too. In my 40s, I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up. My professional clock is ticking.
But she's been dead for more than 10 years. Realizing that I was only doing this for myself my emotions changed and I was crying good tears. Even though I wanted my family there at the finish line, I was doing this for me. Only for me. My whole life seems to be built around doing things for other people. As a child I wanted to impress my parents. Then to gain acceptance - from friends, and later, boyfriends. Like being an exchange student, I was only running for myself.
Just before the finish line, I realized that doing something for your own pride/enjoyment/goal is EXACTLY what any parent wants for their children. My mom would have wanted me to achieve goals I set for myself and attain happiness - in whatever form that comes - through my own hard work.
I did this because *I* wanted to be able to run far. No one pushed me into it. No matter what you, dear reader, may call me. Now I can call myself a runner. My Mom wouldn't have been impressed by my running 2 miles or a hundred. But she would have been happy to know that I set a goal for myself, worked toward it. And gained confidence.
What about my family? Did they come and show their support?
Of course they did. They were cheering for me as I arrived at the finish line. I was so determined to cross it that I didn't see them and so my kids ran into race to hug me.
I'm a runner... because I like running.
(Pretenders, "Hand in Pocket")
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