Monday

It was one of those Monday mornings. I woke up tired, forced myself out of bed, into the shower and by the time I had gotten out, my son had gone. My daughter and I spent precisely three minutes together in the kitchen. She drank half a cup of very sweet coffee and off she went into the world of high school.

I faced the traffic, which wasn't as bad as I had imagined, and came into an office filled with stress. Or perhaps it wasn't filled with stress as much as my little bubble was surrounded by it? I opened my work e-mail which I intentionally left alone for the weekend and I felt like I'd been bitten by something. Have you ever opened a credit card bill and taken a double take at the amount due? "That can't be right?" you think, and as you survey the damages outlined by Chase, you see that it is, of course, accurate. You charged every single item.

Such was my e-mail. Copy went to a client that I had tried to improve, but actually made worse in my haste. Today I heard from the client. Little things that I had done or left undone throughout the past few weeks all seemed to come back to me today. Like a seemingly innocent $53.98 from an online retailer isn't a big deal, when added with other similar things adds up to quite a lot of stress.

I did the worst thing I could have done to remedy the situation. Instead of taking, stock and prioritizing, I foolishly tried to fix everything at once. This was likely the cause of my issues to begin with.

It's important to remember that not everything has to be done immediately. It's actually faster in the long run to do things slowly and correctly that rush through things, even if they are "must do now!" But it goes against my nature.

It was also important to turn off the laptop today. After "only" eight and a half hours, leave and go home to the people I love. Had I spent more time with them this morning, perhaps I would have shown up to work slightly more ready to take on the world.

While the world was spinning

Hello readers,

It's been more than two months since I updated my blog. I often wish I could drive and blog. My time in the car is when my thoughts are most gathered and mental blogs form. But after a recent incident with a crash related to cell phone use (wasn't me - I wasn't even in the same state) I am "on the wagon" so to speak and have nearly cut out cell phone use completely while driving.

My life has revolved around these deadlines:

• Bedtime - the amount of time I have to get stuff done at home
• End of month - work's fast deadline (my stuff is usually due beforehand, but when there are mistakes/changes, end of the month is crunch time)
• The 15th - a newly implemented 2nd deadline. The idea is to relieve stress at the end of the month, while increasing productivity. 
• 6:45 am/7:00 am the time when the children leave the house indicating I should be on my way to work.

These deadlines have not meshed as well as I would have liked with the ever-fluctuating to do list of household chores, yard work, grocery shopping, laundry..... 

And then there are my needs: 

• Friendship: I haven't met ANY of them lately. Except for an impromptu glass of wine with some neighbors a couple of weeks ago, I haven't spent time with my Bridgewater friends this month. (A half hour on the sideline of a game doesn't count).
• Exercise: I did run a half marathon in April, but most of the month of May I've been out of commission. I've only worked out at the gym 2-3 times this month.
• Hobbies: I haven't cooked a nice dinner in at least three weeks. I've knit a bit but I haven't even thought about doing anything else nice lately.

I think my body made it perfectly clear that this overload of stress wasn't working and I was forced into a week-long hiatus. VERTIGO. 

My ears, filled with fluid after weeks of allergies put the kabash on work, on life, on fun. Last weekend I spent the entire weekend in the chair while the world went on spinning. I watched so much TV that I couldn't stand it and I knit. But I felt so useless. It wasn't until today that I realized my body just needed me to sit still and take a brain break. 

Several of my friends at work meditate. They block out the world around them and... well, I don't quite know happens. I tried meditation in college a couple of times. Can people like me: extroverts who thrive on social contact really get something out of meditation? What is the difference between meditation and prayer? Are they mutually exclusive? 

There are still so many things that need to get done in my world. N's teachers aren't giving him the help he needs. C has math that is so hard that neither T nor I can help her at all. Her teacher is rude when she does go to him for assistance. (But C begged me NOT to complain to the school). My father, now 88, spent a month tutoring N each day. This was helpful, but when N forgets to hand in his homework... it doesn't matter that Grandpa helped him. 

T's work has him traveling - it's to the point where I don't even write his flight info into the calendar. I just write "T away". Both he and I are working Friday of Memorial Day weekend - can you believe I have a 3pm conference call??? He doesn't get back from a work trip until Saturday afternoon. 

But that's OK. my goal for now is to balance things: work hard, relax hard. And don't let months go by without seeing my friends. 

This is a manageable goal. 

The Sound of Music

One of my parental disappointments is that my children aren't particularly interested in music. Both tried and both quit playing instruments in 5th grade, and my son enjoys singing but not enough to spend a lot of time practicing and not enough to try out for choirs and such. They do plenty of other things, especially C, so I can't take it too hard. After all - it's their lives. I lived my childhood and it was full of music.


To me music was my identity. I was a pianist, I was a singer, I was a cellist. I wasn't particularly good, or competitive, at any of them, but I really loved to sing. I loved harmonies and melodies. I hated soloists - probably because I never really got any big solos - but mostly I just loved the act of singing. And first cello? HA!

This week there were several articles about a teacher who leads the marching band. He is currently suspended with pay, but the public isn't exactly sure why. (It is a personnel matter, I understand this). The debate seems to come around the competition aspect of his job and how he "motivates" students.  He's known for leading the marching band to success. Whatever he did (or didn't do) I think it shows that the system is working: a teacher is being reviewed for alleged misconduct. We hear time and time again about complaints against teachers fall on deaf ears, not only in this district, but around the country. I have so many teachers whom I respect and love, but there are plenty of examples of teachers who have behaved badly and because of tenure, or culture, no one bothers or dares to take up the arguments that may lead to a punishment: anything from a formal reprimand to a punishment of either dismissal or jail time. In fact in all the years I've followed local schools and blogged about them, I cannot think of a single incident of a Bridgewater teacher being fired with cause for cause. And the only two incidents I can recall locally in recent years where teachers have been fired had to do with either sexual misconduct or a DUI with severe injuries. So while I don't know the facts of this case, I think it is a good sign that the district is taking seriously an allegation against a publicly "important" teacher who brings wins to the schools.

This brings me back to my original thought. Music as competition: which it often is, of course. Who is first chair violin? Who gets to be Sandy in Grease, or Jesus in Godspell, or who gets to big solo? Which band is the best? Who gets a Grammy???

In a perfect world, music shouldn't be about competing. It should be enjoyment. Call me an idealist! I think it should bring people together... just like schools. All too often music is like a sport, not like an art. Art for art's sake.



At my high school, this was the big holiday solo. People started vying Sophomore year to get it their senior year. For the rest of my life I'll think of it not as a Christmas carol but as a reward to the best singer. And I bet lots of people who sang with EFA Concert Choir feel the same way.

I'll have my coffee, with a side of moderation

Another Friday, another deep breath. Where does the time actually go? My job is hectic but I am really enjoying my co-workers and our nascent friendships.

That said, I am not sure how many more weeks I can work 50 hours and not burn out. How do people physically manage even more? What did I do before kids? I remember that in the summer before C was born I regularly worked over sixty hours each week. I rarely cooked and getting home at eight was an early night. Both yesterday and the day before I put in twelve hours.

Needless to say I haven't cooked a single meal since Monday.

But why? Am I so eager to please my new employers by my display of loyalty? Am I afraid of failing? Am I enjoying the feeling of accomplishment? Or is it my inability to say no? Maybe a bit of all of the above.

The truth is, I'm really happy. Even as I stress out about not meeting expectation or not making deadlines. I think this might be just the job for me.

Let's hope they feel the same way.

Have a good weekend, my friendly readers. I'll be catching up on four things:

• sleep
• grocery shopping
• laundry
• exercise

And if I'm really lucky I'll spend some time with my loved ones.

Overtime

It's official. I have a job with responsibilities. So many that I can't even come close to finishing in an 8-hour day. So I've been bringing work home. Which has meant I haven't cooked dinner once this whole week and have spent an incredible amount of time updating spreadsheets and writing "Creative Briefs". Even more than that, I've spent many hours just trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. It's like joining a complicated dance troupe, I think I know the moves, but I can't get in step with everyone else... yet.

I also haven't been reading - and barely know what's been going on in the world. What's that? A cruise ship stuck without power in the Gulf of Mexico with 3000 people and no toilets? The President gave a State of the Union address? And a Republican challenger to Christie? That's the extent of what I've picked up from this week's news.

On the inside, however, I'm a sad girl. My Uncle died on Monday. That's sad enough - but what has made me feel worse is how disconnected I feel from my family. I couldn't have imagined not being there with them. I guess that's what happens. Families grow apart once people move away. Moving was my choice but times like these I wonder what my life would have been had I stayed close to my Sun, the family in Elmira. I will miss my Uncle's humor and love and warmth. A talented architect his legacy will be visible for Elmirans to enjoy for decades - maybe longer - to come.

Uncle Ron's obituary is here. I was very lucky to spend time in their home as a child with so many interesting friends and family.

Monday confessional

After another good day at the office (Gotta love the honeymoon phase!) I took in the lovely sunset and thought to myself, I love Mondays!

Not in an anti-Garfield sense. This morning felt like MONDAY with its dark cloud. My beloved son hadn't finished his homework, which I only discovered it as a fluke a few minutes before he was supposed to leave. Gone are the days when he can get away with half-finished work. His e-Science teacher means business. Requesting forgiveness is futile.

So I did what my at-home-self would have done, I said, "Finish it up, I'll drive you." He protested, but resistance was futile. He finished while I showered and off I drove him to school. I love a flexible work schedule.

What I meant about loving Mondays is the double-guilty pleasure. Now that Jersey Shore is no more (and I don't watch the spin offs) I watch the trashiest TV of my week: The Bachelor. If I had ever thought about it as a career option, I would have run a match making service. What a fun gig that would have been?!

At the same time that I'm recording roses being given or withheld, I'm also lining up two hours with Jillian, Bob and Dolvett. Some days I actually exercise while watching. I didn't work out today, so I'll probably fit in a few squats, sit-ups and planks.

When I stayed home I promised myself I wouldn't watch TV during the day, unless I was sick. It was a smart habit and saved many wasted hours. I only broke it on a few occasions. The other exception to this rule was laundry - if I was folding I was watching.

Tonight I'll be doing laundry. I like doing something productive while watching TV. Even more, I like getting (clean, of course) laundry off the sofa and into the proper drawer.

But for now, it's time to return to the other part of Monday. A more mundane task: cooking dinner.

Peaceful, easy feeling

Last night we celebrated LLD's 50th birthday with a night of high-calorie binging at The Melting Pot followed by near-binge drinking at an Irish pub just a few steps away. It was sooooooo fun! Hard laughter began with LL's opening her requisite inappropriate gifts, and continued through the night. Mannions (the pub) had two options: a laid-back acoustic guitar singer downstairs and a DJ playing loud dance music upstairs. After about an hour we couldn't take this generation's music and sought refuge with 70s and 80s music downstairs.

If there were dancing it would have been perfect. The ceiling looked like it would fall apart at any moment (apparently parking ticket enforcement pays better attention than building enforcement). And, to the guys at the bar: yes, you smell like fart!

This morning I managed to be at Father Ron's 8am service. The lessons of reminding ourselves that we live in a world we cannot control resonate strongly. Then, foolishly (especially in light of just hearing a lesson about things we cannot control) went to Wegmans to "pick up a few things" thinking I had plenty of time to make a 10:45 am ropes class. Ooops, I had forgotten that on Superbowl Sunday grocery stores are a no-fly zone for those not absolutely having to buy something. It took much, much longer than anticipated and, of course, I was late for my class.

Came home and took a hot bath while reading the NY Times. It just reminded me how scary ADHD drugs really are, even as they have become accepted, mainstream medicine. In general I am pretty open to prescription meds, taking some on a regular basis, but this scared me.

Perhaps scarier than the drugs are the feeling that as children grow into adults, we parents lose our control over their lives. My parents have always had such huge influence on my thinking and choices but I know that it's the case with most people. Even 11 years beyond the grave, I often wonder what my Mom would think of my life and decisions. My 87-year old dad has no problem expressing his opinions, and I still listen, albeit sometimes reluctantly. My children, however, have half of their father in them. While T respects his parents, they yield very little direct influence over his life. He is simply more independent than I am. Our kids could go either way. Let's just hope that the don't fall into the trap of easier As provided by quick fixes.

After the tub, I put my PJs on and made grilled cheese sandwiches (not my choice, as I ate enough melted cheese last night). Then I lazed: facebook, reading, laid in bed with the paper and now I'm blogging.

I want to go for a run - the half marathon (13.1 miles) is in 11 weeks. My goal is the same as in 2012: run the race without walking. I don't care if I do a better time than last year or not. I just want to have fun.

Image from: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51O43qenbpL._SX500_.jpg accessed 2/3/2013

Wishing you all a happy Superbowl Sunday. Of course I'm for Dino's adopted town (and where R went to college): San Francisco. But I'm really planning to get my weekly fix of Historical Fiction, Downton Abbey.... it was a real tear-jerker last week. Can't wait to see what's in store for them this week!